I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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