when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
