actually, I'm a sock model
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
