why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
