I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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