She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
