he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
FUCK WHALES
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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