I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize