I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
