Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
