remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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