MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
