Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
