No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
