If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize