I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
