The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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