1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
