I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
