OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
