so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He better not be in your backpack
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
