I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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