Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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