So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
