If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
