I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
