So drunk its hurt
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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