Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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