she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yo dont text me then not text me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
