Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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