Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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