she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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