Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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