I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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