That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
