FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
