Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
These tits shall not be calmed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
