I faked an abortion last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize