Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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