People in love make me want to vomit
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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