Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
