FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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