Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
