Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Piatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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