No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think my vagina is haunted
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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