i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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