Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize