dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
