obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
