Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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