That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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