smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
