I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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