Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
