The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
