can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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