I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
