I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
