dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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