Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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