I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He shit in the fireplace
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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