we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize